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琥珀生活集,  親愛的我

My Struggle for Friendship

It has come to the very last month of the year in a blink of an eye. Looking back over the last 11 months, I had spent enormous amount of time thinking about “Interpersonal Relationship”, I search for answer to justify my understanding of “friendship“.

I had an emotional outbreak against a friend in January this year. I lost control of the resentment I had endured for 7 years of this friendship. I have to be honest, it felt great, very heart broken at the same time.  I was deeply hurt and began to wonder if sincerity did exist in any form of relation. I hided myself and reduce social activities. When it came to an inevitable gathering, I pretended to be strong with laughter, but I no longer did a heart-to-heart interaction. I chose not to believe and withdrew myself purposely. “Escaping” became a way of my healing process.

Sometimes, I would still habitually be good to people, I couldn’t help sharing with others. But then, I felt very stupid and regretted every time I did it. I kept reminding myself this would bring no good to me. “Do not expect others to be good to you”. “No one is obligated to be good to you”. I hated it when these two sentences popped up in my mind. These were “advice” for me once when I asked the question, “We’re besties, shouldn’t I expect you to be good to me?” Such memory was a heavy blow to me. Instead of giving and sharing, I hided myself continuously. I closed some of my social media’s accounts, I didn’t want to know the lives of others, I wanted no news from them. 

I had had my time of “solitary”. I was uncaring, and didn’t want to have much contact with humans. However, I didn’t like this kind of self. The fact that I was careless about anything didn’t make me a happy person. I had to come up with another solution! Even though I was still afraid of being hurt, I knew there were people who treasured me. I should not hold unto an awful someone or something long enough to let down of those who loved me. In the hope of getting out of negative emotions, I brought myself to 2-3 of my trustworthy friends, told them how I felt. They did comfort me and offer me great words of encouragement. The empathy they had on me eased negative energy. “Don’t give up the courage to love”, “I would still choose to be who I am even if I would get hurt”, “I would still choose to believe people, but would also evaluation them along the way” I pondered on what they had said to me. I understood what they meant, but hesitated to act upon their words because I was afraid of getting hurt again. I then took times to learn about the lives of these friends. I realized each had his/her own troubles, but they had one thing in common! They were very appealing with positivity.

If fear and hatred are not what I want and cannot bring happiness, I will just be myself! I never purposely please anyone, treating other good is my nature. However, I may start to consider the nature of each relationship, and allow myself to be the lead of a relationship. In addition, I have come to learn the important of communication in the past 11 months. We shouldn’t hide or ignore our thoughts and feelings to accommodate in a relation. This in some extend is a way of “dodging”. This is unfavorable to all parties if we didn’t manage well the situation.

In sum, I have applied a few methods to find the most comfortable friendship. I wouldn’t say I have come with a conclusion of what I want to become, but at least I know I want to develop the attitude of sincerity as part of my nature. In this Lab of Life, I’m grateful for those who are willing to fight with me and for me. Together, we are the best team!


Click Companionship Inventory to find out what happened the beginning of the year.

Click To You, My Friend. to read a journal entry I wrote to a friend.

Click《一開口撩人又聊心》讀後感 to learn about interpersonal relationship.